Tag Archives: addiction

MAKING LOVE WITH THE COSMOS WHILE PUKING MY GUTS OUT! An Ayahuasca Adventure :)

god-shiva-shankar-goddess-kali-tantric-artwork-miniature-painting-hindu-art-gallery-a-k-mundhra

I’ve just returned from a stay in a beautiful slice of jungle paradise, nestled somewhere in the South American rainforest.

Over the course of seven days, I drank the ancient brew named ayahuasca five times, was whipped with a prickly jungle leaf called Ortiga twice, vomited more than I have in my entire life, and was completely reborn.

I was led to plant medicine when I became fed up with being incredibly bored by the life that I was living and sick of my repetitive, isolated culture. I was deeply disappointed with my prospects of adulthood and I couldn’t bear the thought of living in a world devoid of magic.

I began to surround myself with nature—a place where I had always been able to find serenity and connection.

Much to my surprise, the Earth began to speak to me, comforting my depression with mountain air and rolling thunder. She gave me gifts of plants that could teach and people who could help me to understand them. I was a lost child, and she took me by the hand and led me home.

I heard about ayahuasca through whispered rumors among my group of “tripping buddies.” I was told stories of her healing powers, but I did not ever expect to drink the medicine. I was terrified by what I had heard about the intense visions and the prospect of the grueling, infamous purge.

Yet, less than two weeks ago, by a chain of mysterious and magical events, I found myself sitting before three shamans in a circular hut at 5 a.m., my shaking hands holding a small bowl filled with a thick brown liquid that smelled like really gross wine.

I gulped the brew, thanked the shamans and returned to my mat. Although I didn’t know what to expect, I was certain the plant would be gentle with my delicate self.

Within an hour, I was face down in the dirt, completely puking my guts out. I have never felt more sick in my entire life. The jungle was swirling around me as my mind lit up with beautiful images and brutally honest lessons.

I was completely lost in a psychedelic world, and the voice of ayahuasca made it very clear that I was cleansing my body and mind from years of self-doubt, hatred and ignorance, but was absolutely certain I was about to die.

Yet, even as I experienced this miserable state, I felt like a baby in the arms of her mother. There was no punishment, only consequence for the decisions I had made and the paths I had taken.

For hours I lay outside on beautiful, grassy knoll. Trees bent over me, laden with flowers, and I began to stop resisting the purging that continued to come. I had asked to connect with nature, and I saw that I was being connected to all of her aspects: The disgusting, painful, harsh, beautiful and complete reality of my own mortality.

Everyone else left for lunch, except one shaman who coaxed me back inside and sat patiently while I lay on my mat, slipping in and out of lucidity.

After 20 minutes, like magic, I felt perfectly fine. I sat up, and she came over to help me stand. My arm around her shoulder, we walked to the kitchen where I ate enough of the delicious, homemade food to feed a small army.

Still seeing geometric patterns and slightly tripping out, I was told that we would be having another ceremony in seven hours.

Surprisingly, I couldn’t wait to have my ass kicked again.

That night, I did not expect that I could possibly need to purge more, but 20 minutes after I drank from the cup, I was outside kneeling on the ground.

Yet this experience was entirely different. I was transported to the stars, while still aware of my body. As I purged, I felt new spaces opening up in my being. They were filled with the purest love I had ever felt. I began to see that as I gave up my attachment to old beliefs, patterns and stories about myself, I made room for the connections that I had been asking to find. The only way I can describe that night is to say that I made love with the entire universe for eight hours. I was transformed into a jeweled star goddess, crowned with grace and divinity.

I remember saying, “My third-eye is wide open and I’m never closing it” as I saw crystalline geometry and danced without moving a muscle. I laughed and sighed as one lesson after another fell into place. Mother Ayahuasca turned my cheeks to velvet and my eyes to galaxies. I lay in the hut, just feeling my skin and seeing all the ways I had not been loving my beautiful body. I felt one with the cosmos and saw the exquisite beauty in the duality of our world. My mind kept singing, “I forget so I can remember.” And the remembrance of this Love was beautiful.

The next three ceremonies unveiled to me different aspects of myself that I had been ignoring, suppressing and denying. I realized that I had been going to everything—books, articles, videos, fellow humans and even drugs, but never to myself for guidance.

I was shown that in my fear, I had created a safe shell around myself and filled it with a dreamworld, convincing myself that it was reality. I had been given everything that I had ever asked for, but my shell had not allowed me to receive these gifts. I did not want to feel pain and so I wouldn’t let myself grow.

But that day, beneath the warm sun, I began to hatch into something more complete.

5225f680348d7ba3b90e51c0a95418e6

It is easy to love light and beautiful things, I realized, but I had been focusing so much on this light and beauty that I had allowed my dark side to fester in the shadows. There were ugly pieces of me that I was denying while professing to accept myself. This made me believe that I had to be beautiful to be loved and resulted in me spending hours in front of mirrors, criticizing and trying to hide my imperfections.

At one point during my fourth ceremony, right after a bout of purging, a friend walked by and asked how I was doing. With vomit and dirt covering my face, I smiled and said, “Amazing. I am learning how to be ugly” He smiled and said, “At last.”

During the final ceremony, it began to rain. I cried with the downpour and let it wash away all of the lies I had been telling myself. Here I am: naked, confessing that I have lied, stolen, cheated, inflicted pain and shattered beautiful things.

And I love myself anyway.

I am being taught how to hold a space of balance for myself. Allowing all of my facets to be loved is a constant choice for now, but I am committed to surrendering to this love over and over again. “I am finished fighting this endless battle against myself,” I scrawled in my journal. I meant it.

On the plane home I wrote:

“I think the most precious thing I have been given is the ability to love and be loved more deeply. It was like being carried home to the nest, held under my mother’s wing, against her heart, then set free to fly away again and become lost in the world. We have forgotten how to be unconditionally loved and it is the wound we are all trying to hide. Thank you, mother, for breathing me into life and then drawing me back to death. I get lost so you can find me, forget so you’ll remind me: I’m a child of the dark and light.”

I’ll be returning to that magical paradise again, but first I have some things to do at home. I am going to spread this love as far and wide as I can reach. I am going to stop wasting my precious life through laziness and start blazing my own path through this jungle of existence. I will rise with gratitude, fall with grace, and above all, keep falling in love with this glorious, wild ride.

~http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/04/making-love-with-the-cosmos-while-puking-my-guts-out-an-ayahuasca-adventure/

Advertisements

CRAVINGS!!!

tumblr_mwjzyr687g1qb5gkjo1_500

TO MY AMAZING 24 SUBSCRIBERS!!

WHAT DO YOU CRAVE??? skin advice, spiritual advice, yoga advice, artistic weird inspirations, natural healthy ayurvedic teeth advice, hormonal unbalance, losing weight, fashion, architecture, home video’s?? Let me know?

love!!!

Melika

CHRONIC PAIN AND INTENTION!

tumblr_mgzyi4GtSk1qllucco4_1280

Ahimsa: The art of none-violence towards all living beings! Intention is powerful!

Leaving Montreal for a smaller town named Sutton. I needed to get out of the city after being with an addict for a year. I needed to leave the hospital’s, the addiction clinics, the pharmacy’s and all the judgment you receive when you are an addict. Addiction to me is simply an unbalance and sadly medication takes you on a ride further and further from your true self. When the intention was to retrieve your life and your true self to begin with. I could not watch him suffer on top of more suffering and suffering.

The sad thing was, prescription medication does not fall from the sky. When those who prescribe do not want to take responsibility for their decisions as a professional, it fucking sucks! Complete your circle, you are dealing with a human being and a life.

I did not want Jason to be judged, he had gone thru enough pain in his life, including self-inflicted pain. When you are suffering from old wounds or new wounds that have never been honoured. Some people start self-medicating. He had developed chronic pain and was prescribed all these medications by doctors and even pain specialist. The pain specialist was clear about the fact that with methadone, is nervous system was “mooch” as she said it herself, from what I understood, Jello

When your nervous system is mooch, pain can simply be present because of a nervous system disorder. The more you take, the more you need and the more your brain and your body tells you that this is what makes you feel better. Seeing the one I loved become thin, sicker and sicker with all these medication. I did not judge and I did not try to intervene because it was his process and his life. I respected what he needed to go thru and realize on his own. Being abandoned by his family and friends, I just wanted to guide him to a better place. Detox was the only option because every step I decided to walk with him, I knew that I was powerless over him and his decisions.

When we are in pain on a daily basis, the only thing you desire is to find your old self. The happy self that you were. Without the experience you can’t even understand the future impact on your body, your mind and your soul. Sometime’s medication is a band aid solution, specially for chronic pain patients. The more you take, the more you need and the more your inner void feels empty.

My personal feeling on addiction is that as you keep self-medicating, the bigger your inner void becomes. The real issues are ignored. You feel numb, your inner drive leaves you, you get so many after effects on your body that you end up needing your own little pharmacy.

Doctors are in the top percentage of drug addicts and when you check surveys, they would not prescribe most of the things they permit themselves to prescribe to patients, to their family and friends. If you know your drugs, you know that pharmaceutical drugs are the best. They are pure and you can’t find this quality of drugs on the streets.

The thing that makes me the most sad is that most patients are in full trust when it comes to their relationship with their doctor, psychiatrist, anyone with a P.H.D.. If a psychologist tells you that you are depressed after a 5 minute questionnaire. You might start feeling depressed because of the trust and the belief that you put into your health care practitioner. Placebo effects are strong, belief is strong, the mind is connected to the body and much of our beliefs will sink slowly into our body. With emotion’s and thoughts being inter-connected , when we feel something it is hormones receiving a message from your nervous system. We are an organic machines to doctors but we are so much more than that as individuals.

We forget that health practitioner’s are human and they are flawed as well. The error is human right? Most of these people  are over worked. When you are out of balance, how can you help someone find their own inner balance and health? When anyone and everyone is tired and has a lack of sleep. We all get into an automatic mode and we might not be fully aware of the impact we can have on someone’s health when we are a burned out. This includes what we say, what we do and how we proceed in our action’s. This is normal and it is human but this is where I wonder, if are medical system is so sick and flowed, how can we truly help patients in their suffering without any band-aid solutions?

In Ayurveda, when you prescribe a client anything, you must test it properly on yourself first, to empathize fully with the effects and the dosage for each individual client. Money was not given to any Ayurvedic doctor in the past because money corrupts. Health and money do not go well together because it has a strong effect on the intention towards healing. The simple intention must be seeing the person as a person just like us and we have become numbers in the medical system.

We are so much much more then that and to me, we are spiritual beings living a human life, being human is a gift, spirituality and the interconnectedness is a gift and having a physical healthy body is a gift!

Sending love!

My love finding love in pain:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJ8dr1nGqiw

Author: Melika Emira Baccouche