Category Archives: healthy relationship

LOVE IN ALL IT`S SPLENDOR

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How do you see  love and being loved?

I have always been a person that was hungry for love, to give love and to be loved. Since I can remember the idea that I had of love was like a Hollywood movie, full of drama, romance and high emotions at all times.

With my experiences in my relationships, I think I attracted willingly my idea of love but was it ever so draining and tiring.  Living at a constant state of powerful emotions, I love you, I hate you, fighting and making up. The middle was never an option for me, I didn`t even realize that I did have this option available because my perception was not real, romantic novels and movies are not real life. As a true romantic I needed to change my perception and my definition of love.

 

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First came the notion of self-love

With experience comes knowledge and wisdom for all of us and we can choose to repeat old patterns and expect different results but we can also chose to change our patterns and truly receive different results in every area of or life. We can choose to be a victim or the take responsibility for what we have co-created.

My idea of love changed completely and the more I started to honor myself, to love myself, to understand my being, my essence. To nourish my values, my commitments and my dreams. The less I needed to find someone to complete me because I felt complete on my own. The less I searched for love outside of myself. It was all and always was present from within, self-love simply needed to be nourished by encouraging it in my daily practice. I made a clear decision to divorce emotionally and mentally my past relationships and to start practicing new ways of love. This extended in my life, in all of my relationships, family, friends and even work. It has even extended in how I treat my home my things, the productivity of my work and with love we plant seeds, with nourishment we allow things to grow, with care we obtain results.

 

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How I define love now

Love is acceptance, love is patience, love is respect, love is choosing your battles, love is space, love is peace, love is being responsible for you own happiness, love is sweet, forgiving and humble because none of us are perfect and we are all here to learn from our journey on this earth. Love is understanding.

Don`t love like a beggar, love like a king or a queen. What I mean by this is love with elegance, kindness, courage, intelligence, composure and deliberation so the person you are with knows where they stand. No one can guess what you are feeling or thinking so be open and communicate with ease and peace.

Love is taking responsibility for your own insecurities and working on theme so they do not consume your relationships. Love is not blame, it is not using someone’s vulnerabilities as ammo. Words are powerful and they cannot be taken back.

Never settle! You are deserving just like any living creature on this planet.

I send all of you love and hope you enjoyed this article. Please feel free to send me your opinion’s on this subject.

Mélika Emira Baccouch

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Mind Games! Listen to You Gut!

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Unfortunately, there is a good chance that we have all been gaslighted by someone at some point in our lives, even if it was just on a small scale by someone we barely know.

Sadly, many fall victim to it within their intimate relationships, or even in dealings with “friends” or family members.

There is also a high chance that we will have failed to spot someone was playing this insidious mind game with us and until we fully understand it, there is a high chance that it could happen again.

One of the main reasons we may not recognise it is that many of us will fail to believe those we trust and love are capable of manipulating us (it is this denial that keeps the dynamic going.) Also, the gaslighter will most likely be highly skilled at covering their tracks, keeping things subtle and being a skilled master or mistress of deception.

Gaslighting is one of the most extreme, dangerous and effective forms of emotional and psychological abuse and is mostly carried out intentionally. Gaslighting is a game of mind control and intimidation that is often used by narcissists and sociopaths as a way of controlling, confusing and debilitating someone.

The term gaslighting was coined in the 1938 play Gas Light and the film adaptions that were then created helped to enhance its popularity.

In the play the husband used forms of manipulation in an attempt to drive his wife crazy, for example he deliberately dims the gaslights in the house but told his wife that she was imagining it. With the use of various tricks he tried to convince his wife that she was going insane and also that she was losing her memory.

The whole intention of gaslighting is to decrease someone’s self-esteem and self-confidence so they are unable to function in an independent manner. The person being gaslighted will eventually become so insecure that they will fail to trust their own judgment, their intuition and find themselves unable to make decisions.

Eventually the victim will become so unsure of what reality looks like that they become completely dependent on their abuser. The abuser will appear to the victim to be the only one to have a clear grip of their mind and also of what is going on around them.

The abuser will systematically and frequently withhold information and then deliberately alter facts to disorientate their victim.

They may also remove things from certain places and then deny doing so to destabilize and confuse the other person.

The abuser will refrain from mentioning specific details and then convince the other person that they had told them, so the victim thinks they are losing their memory or their mind.

The abuser will say something then ask their victim to repeat what it is they have said. When the victim repeats clearly word for word, the abuser will lie to say they haven’t said a particular word, or that they have spoken it in a different tone of voice to that of which the abuser heard. For example, the abuser may say something angrily or aggressively, but when the victim gets upset, they will completely deny having used this tone, quickly changing their voice to a gentler and calmer tone. The abuser may then accuse their victim of deliberately trying to hear everything they say in a negative way—even though the abuser knows they deliberately wanted to appear as aggressive and negative.

Often, the abuser will want to create levels of distrust within the relationship to make the victim feel they either are cheating, or would cheat at the first opportunity. They may say things to make their victim feel insecure and jealous, for example, deliberately mentioning a certain person in a way that makes it sound as though there is more going on behind the scenes. When the victim questions this, the abuser will accuse the victim of having trust issues and this will falsely further confirm in the victim’s mind that they have serious insecurities and also, that they are extremely paranoid.

The abuser will make up very convincing lies to deliberately upset the other person and then call them names, mock them and put them down for getting upset and for overreacting. The abuser will also make light of anything that the victim feels is important to make the victim’s opinions, life-choices and thoughts seem juvenile or that they are inferior to their own. It is likely that the abuser will laugh at or sneer at their victim, but when questioned, convince their victim that they were imagining it.

Some warning signs that gaslighting is taking place:

Apologizing. A victim of gaslighting will constantly be apologizing for doing things wrong, even if they have done nothing wrong. Feeling sorry for everything means that the accountability and responsibility for all perceived wrong-doings has been claimed by one person—the victim. This ensures the perpetrator remains innocent and the victim is continuously guilty.

Can’t Make decisions. The victim will find decision making increasingly difficult, as they will feel that whatever they choose will be the wrong choice. Everything they do or say is wrong, so they feel that they are no longer capable of making rational decisions about anything, so they will leave it up to their abuser. This just gives the abuser even more power and control and prolongs the toxic dance that is taking place between the two.
 
Change. Change is not always easy to notice, since most change happens bit by bit, so the process can feel very natural in some ways. However, if the victim thinks back to who they were before the relationship and who they are now, they will probably see significant differences.

Confusion. Victims of gaslighting will often be in a constant state of bewilderment and confusion. They find it very difficult to trust their own mind, and constantly doubt their thought process. Their instinct fails to kick in because whenever it does, it is very quickly told that it is wrong, so it becomes a silent tool that ensures the gaslighter remains on top of their game. The victim will know that there is something seriously wrong, but they will find it extremely difficult to work out what. The person being gaslighted will always be wondering if they are overly sensitive as they always feel triggered to react to the gaslighter’s behaviour.

Withdrawn. The one being gaslighted will become withdrawn and often reclusive as they feel so low and beaten down that they have little confidence to socialise with anyone. The victim will feel safer spending time alone than with other people, as when those around them question what is wrong, or what is happening within their relationship, the victim just will not have the answers to justify what is going on.

Due to either depression or severe anxiety, the victim will find it extremely difficult to function normally within society or even with close friends or family. The abuser at this stage has won the battle for control, as without anyone to confide in the victim will find it very difficult to work out that it is the abuser that is causing the damage. The abuser will not want anyone to figure out their game, so, they will work hard to make sure their victim becomes alienated from anyone who could offer support.

Overall, the main reason for gaslighting is to create a dynamic where the abuser has complete control over their victim so that they are so weak that they are very easy to manipulate.

The gaslighter wants to appear superior to the one being gaslighted. By making their victim feel completely helpless with very low self-esteem, the abuser has complete domination over them, so they are very successful in manipulating their victim to get whatever it is they want. This can range from simply having their ego stroked by feeling like they are significantly better than the person they are with, and at the extreme end to being able to gain financial, sexual or material benefits as their victim feels too emotionally and mentally weak to fight back.

There are many reasons that someone would gaslight someone else, but it is always done for personal gain. The abuser has very little interest in their victim, other than using them for their own twisted benefit. When the victim becomes so low down that they are no longer of any great use to the gaslighter the relationship will die out. The abuser will distance themselves by ignoring their victim and using silent treatment as an intense form of emotional torture.

The victim will have no idea what to do to please or satisfy their abuser, and will often try anything to win over their abuser to regain the affection that was shown in the beginning stages. By now though, it is far too late. Any little amount of respect that the abuser had for their victim will have been completely depleted and it is very unlikely that the dynamic will change again.

The abuser will often walk away from their victim leaving them with a deep sense of frustration, shame, guilt, anger and often riddled with anxiety and depression. The victim is usually left in a vortex that they will struggle to climb out of, however, this will be compounded by a deep sense of relief that this vicious dance is over.

The abuser will walk away with a great feeling of satisfaction having won each and every battle and will move onto their next innocent victim with even more skill and experience, so they can begin this horrendous war once again.

The victim will very likely need counseling and a huge amount of support to build themselves back to a stage where they have confidence and can trust their own mind and intuition. It is imperative that the victim realizes that they have been a pawn in a very nasty game so they can let go of all the blame they have placed upon themselves and become familiar with the warning signs so that they do not fall victim again.

Anyone who has come through this type of experience will feel debilitated at first, however, they will only be temporarily weakened. They will bounce back stronger than before, having learned painful but valuable lessons along the way. The most important lesson—having complete faith in their intuition. As difficult as it is to accept, there are always red flags and warning signs in the initial stages.

When these signals show up, this is when we must trust completely in our instincts and never fail to listen to what our gut feelings are telling us. Our fight or flight reactions are there for a reason—to prevent us from entering into dangerous situations. When we feel an urgency to take flight—fly.

Fly far and don’t look back

More Hard Hitting Words From the Dalai Lama About the Mass Brainwashing of Society

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The 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet is always garnering a lot of attention, and for good reasons. Most recently, he told the world that simply praying is not the answer for the incident that occurred in Paris, as well as other similiar atrocities that seem to happen all over the globe. He stated that humans have created this problem, and now we are asking God to solve it, which makes no sense. If we created this mess, we should be the ones to solve it, not God.  His comments went viral as they resonated with so many people around the world who realize that action on a mass scale is required at this time to change the direction our planet seems to be going in.

Intertwined with the Paris attacks are the realities of war, and there is a great piece written on the Dalai Lama’s website site regarding the mass brainwashing of human beings. This is something we touch upon regularly on our website, especially when it comes to incidents of terrorism, war, and the creation of these groups who are carrying out these attacks all over the world.

“War and the large military establishments are the greatest sources of violence in the world. Whether their purpose is defensive or offensive, these vast powerful organizations exist solely to kill human beings. We should think carefully about the reality of war. Most of us have been conditioned to regard military combat as exciting and glamorous – an opportunity for men to prove their competence and courage. Since armies are legal, we feel that war is acceptable; in general, nobody feels that war is criminal or that accepting it is criminal attitude. In fact, we have been brainwashed. War is neither glamorous nor attractive. It is monstrous. Its very nature is one of tragedy and suffering.”(source)

This (above) statement really hits home. If you think about it, these vast and powerful organizations, and the military in general, “solely exist to kill human beings.” As the Dalai Lama touches upon, we are conditioned and made to believe that military service is something to be proud of. Sure, these men and women may be entering into the service in order to serve their country, with a tremendous amount of bravery and good hearted intentions, but what they do not know is that this global war on terrorism is a complete fabrication. The enemy they are made to believe they’re defending their country from is actually a product of their own country. As Dr. Michel Choissudovsky, University of Ottawa’s Emeritus Professor of Economics tells us, the global war on terrorism is completely fake and based on fake premises. Soldiers have been brainwashed into thinking that they are going after an enemy and defending their own country when that same enemy is fully supported and financed by the western military alliance, and as the Dalai Lama sates:

This is exactly why “we feel that war is acceptable,” because we are made to believe it’s a necessary course of action.

He then goes on to state that:

“We are so conditioned to see it as thrilling that we talk about this or that marvelous weapon as a remarkable piece of technology without remembering that, if it is actually used, it will burn living people. War also strongly resembles a fire in the way it spreads. If one area gets weak, the commanding officer sends in reinforcements. This is throwing live people onto a fire. But because we have been brainwashed to think this way, we do not consider the suffering of individual soldiers. No soldiers want to be wounded or die. None of his loved ones wants any harm to come to him. If one soldier is killed, or maimed for life, at least another five or ten people – his relatives and friends – suffer as well. We should all be horrified by the extent of this tragedy, but we are too confused.” (source)

The extent of this brainwashing is quite massive, and if we are going to stop the murder of other human beings and war in general, it is that ‘brainwashed’ soldier that needs to wake up. It is a human being pulling the trigger, giving the orders, and thinking that they are doing something good. We are the reason why war exists in the first place, we created it, we participate in it and we prolong it. Just imagine what would happen if every human being on the planet refused to participate in war? This is why we say change needs to come from within, and as more soldiers wake up to what’s really happening here, there will be more of them who refuse to go to war.

“No matter how malevolent or evil are the many murderous dictators who can currently oppress their nations and cause international problems, it is obvious that they cannot harm others or destroy countless human lives if they don’t have a military organisation accepted and condoned by society.” (source)

Some of these soldiers that are used by their corporate/big bank puppet masters are starting to wake up and speak out. Linked below is an article that provides two excellent examples, with some shocking information that many people are still waking up to (graphic footage warning).

Horrible & Numbing”: Chilling testimony from U.S. Air Force Drone Operator On His First Kill”

As far as this manufactured global war on terrorism, you can check out this article, among others:

Professors & Politicians Gather To Warn Us About The New World Order

The Dalai Lama Then goes on to speak about how expensive war is. This is something many people think about – the fact that the money pumped into the military, and the Department of Defense in the United States alone (including black the black budget) could completely alleviate  poverty and hunger on our planet.  That being said, money is made out of thin air, typed up on a computer screen and printed at will by the controlling elite.

We are talking about, as X Canadian Defense Minister Paul Hellyer states, “trillions, and I mean thousands of billions of dollars” that “have been spent on projects which both congress and the commander in chief no nothing about.” Welcome to what president Eisenhower called the military industrial complex where, as he warned us, the rise for misplaced power exists and will persist. What would he say about what’s happened today?

The point is, if we are going to use money as a tool, why not take that many and allocate it to provide food, shelter and clothing for everybody on the planet? The defense expenditures of a couple of countries alone could do this no problem.

“We should feel fed up with the violence and killing going on around us. If a human being is killed by an animal, it’s sad, but if a human being is killed by another human being it’s unthinkable. We have to make a special effort to think of each other as fellow human beings, as our brothers and sisters.” – Dalai Lama (source)

Thank you Dalai Lama for saying the things that you have said within the past few months.

By Arjun Walia / collective-evolution.com

You can read his full article HERE.

What is Spiritual Partnership?

1949 Colliers Magazine Illustration by Fred Irvin

And How Does It Affect Relationship Communication?

According to Gary Zukov in Seat of the Soul, speaking of relationship communication,

“The archetype of marriage is no longer functional. It is being replaced with a new archetype that is designed to assist spiritual growth. This is the archetype of spiritual, or sacred, partnership.”

Interestingly, Scott Peck gave us almost exactly the same definition of love way back in 1977 in The Road Less Traveled. “Love,” said Peck, “is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”

Until now, however, no one has spelled out exactly how Spiritual Partnership differs from the old models of marriage and love, or exactly how it works in every day life. Exactlyhow do I “nurture my own or another’s spiritual growth?” That is exactly the question I answer in my book, Why Talking is not Enough, and what I will summarize here.

Spiritual Partnership differs from the Old Model of relationships in two major ways:

  1. 1. Loving Actions replace relationship communication as the primary tool for problem solving and relationship enrichment.
  2. 2. In Spiritual Partnership, your focus shifts from your partner and from relationship communication to your own spiritual path.

How Spiritual Partnership Replaces Relationship “Communication”

Good relationship communication is great, if you already have it. But “communication” tends to focus on problems, on the weak parts of your relationship. And how often have you talked over a problem and felt worse afterwards?

In Spiritual Partnership, instead of focusing endlessly on relationship communication, we invite you to ask this question:

“If I were to behave in accord with my highest spiritual values right now, what would I do?”

The answer is NOT more and better relationship communication. The answer is, you find a loving action, an action that will both make you a more spiritually behaving person and make an impact on your relationship.

How Loving Actions Work

For example, one Loving Action is to “Act As If.” When you are angry, you can, as a deliberate spiritually-motivated experiment, choose to behave in a loving, rather than an angry way. When Robert was late for dinner without calling for the fourth time in a row, Cheryl was (justifiably, some might say) furious. But when he finally arrived, instead of assaulting him, or trying one of her relationship communication techniques, she greeted him with a kiss and you-must-be-exhausted-what-kept-you-so-late, and she handed him a glass of wine. They had a lovely evening together, and never discussed “the problem.” Her mood changed as they talked, and he felt her love and support. Cheryl voluntarily, as a spiritual act, gave up her claim to being “right” in this situation, and decided that harmony and love was a higher priority for her than trying to change Robert or getting him to admit he was inconsiderate.

We might think of Spiritual Partnership as “applied spirituality.” It is based on the simple idea that if you focus on behaving in a spiritual way yourself, rather than on fixing your relationship or your partner, then you, your partner, and your relationship will be both happier and stronger.

Beyond “Honey, We Need To Talk!”

Perhaps the best news about becoming a Spiritual Partner is that you can do it by yourself! If your partner is not oriented toward personal or spiritual growth, (and remember, he or she may have valid reasons for such an aversion), or if your partner always avoids relationship communication, it doesn’t matter! By voluntarily becoming the Loving Leader in your relationship, you can create astonishing changes that both of you will appreciate, and that will give you a feeling of inner strength and personal power and well-being, which are the ultimate goals of any spiritual practice!

A second piece of good news about Spiritual Partnership is that it does not require extra time. It is simply a new way of approaching what you are already doing. Never again will you have to “talk” about a problem and haul out your old relationship communication skills. Now your relationship communication can all be pleasant!

What Makes Something A “Loving, Or Spiritual Action?”

Each of the eight Loving Actions

  • is motivated by a desire for spiritual growth
  • is unilateral
  • requires discipline, an act of will
  • is experimental

In the book, I also take considerable time to define what I mean by “spiritual” (as a way of starting a dialogue on the subject.) To be spiritual, I submit, is to recognize your connection to the universe and to everyone and everything in it, and to strive each moment for the thoughts and actions that will increase and not decrease this connection. Your spiritual journey is your own personal journey

  • from isolation to connection
  • from your conditioned personality to your authentic self
  • from fear to love
  • from sleep to consciousness or awareness
  • from control to surrender
  • from restlessness to inner peace.

Each of the Eight Loving Actions gives you a concrete, easy-to-learn, way to put these values into action in your daily life. As you become a more seasoned Spiritual Partner, by practicing these simple actions, you will be furthering your own spiritual journey at the same time you will be giving your relationship a great gift.

The Eight Loving Actions

The Eight Loving Actions that move you completely beyond the Old Model of relationship communication skills are these:

  1. Adopt a Spirit of Good Will
  2. Give Up Problem-Solving
  3. Act As If
  4. Practice Restraint
  5. Balance Giving and Taking
  6. Act on Your Own
  7. Practice Acceptance
  8. Practice Compassion

How Spiritual Partnership Differs From The Old Model

The following statements are another way to see how Spiritual Partnership differs dramatically from the Old Model. These are meant to be read slowly, as a kind of meditation.

In the Old Model, you make progress by talking thing through together, using relationship communication skills.In Spiritual Partnership, you make progress by choosing spiritual actions–by yourself.

In the Old Model, your goal is to solve your problems.In Spiritual Partnership, the goal is to outgrow problems by achieving a new level of consciousness.

In the Old Model, the goal is to improve the relationship, to move from dysfunctional to functional, to thriving.In Spiritual Partnership, the goal is for each partner to grow spiritually.

In the Old Model, you solve problems by encouraging your partner to change.In Spiritual Partnership you encourage yourself to change.

In the Old Model, you rely on your mind. You figure things out, come up with strategies, look for solutions, stay in control; you create a lot of noise in your head.In Spiritual Partnership, you quiet the mind. You rely on inner wisdom from your body. You stop trying to figure things out and change them, and instead you pay attention to what is.

In the Old Model, you focus on the differences between you. You ask, “How can we fix what’s wrong?”In Spiritual Partnership, you look for commonality, oneness, unity. You ask, “How are we both part of the human experience? How are we the same?”

In the Old Model, your continuing search for improvement keeps you in a state of discontent; you believe you can do better.In Spiritual Partnership, the state of discontent is the problem. You begin with acceptance.

In the Old Model change is slow and incremental. Old habits die hard. Progress is gradual. Relationship communication skills require practice.In Spiritual Partnership, an inner shift may create “miraculous” change in one moment. You experience quantum leaps. “I was blind, but now I see.”

In the Old Model, there are limits on how happy two people can be together over many years.In Spiritual Partnership, the joy of connection is unlimited.

In the Old Model, relationships are hard work.In Spiritual Partnership, spiritual growth is hard work; relationships are a pleasure.

In the Old Model, you believe you have to be married to the right person.In Spiritual Partnership, you know that more important than having the right partner is being the right partner.

In the Old Model, if you want more from your partner, you must learn to ask for what you want, using your best relationship communication skills.In Spiritual Partnership, if you want more, give more.

In the Old Model, it is impossible to work on the relationship or make any progress unless both parties are willing to talk.In Spiritual Partnership, one partner on a spiritual journey can create significant changes in a relationship, by choosing unilateral spiritual actions, by offering spiritual leadership, often without saying a word.

In the Old Model, you approach problems by asking, “Who’s right and who’s wrong? Who needs to change?.”In Spiritual Partnership, being right doesn’t matter. You approach problems by asking, “No matter who is right, what can I do make a positive difference?”

The Five Principles of Spiritual Partnership

The five principles of Spiritual Partnership, which are presented in Why Talking is not Enough are:

  1. Use loving actions instead of communication when you come to an impasse.
  2. Never try to solve a problem by asking your partner to change.
  3. No matter who is “right” or “wrong,” exhibit a spirit of good will. Ask, “If I were going to behave in accord with my highest spiritual self, what would I do now?”
  4. Strive to keep in balance the times you stand up for your partner’s needs, and the times you stand up for yourself.
  5. Don’t discuss problems; don’t try to solve problems. It is an illusion to think that if you can solve your problems, you will be happy. Most problems don’t have a solution anyway; they are not problems, but facts of life. Instead of trying to solve your problems, do something to create a harmonious atmosphere in your relationship – right now.